Maddi Connaughton

The first netball team wear bodysuits.

Realisation

Everything he did to me, I'm doing to you.

I'm sorry.

Fuck

Where the fuck is your motivation? Motivation to live. You're useless,
a fuck up, just shut the fuck up. Your whole life is a walk in the park, filled
with happy birds and great big trees. This is not real. Wake up and smell the
dirty air. Some day it will all crash down, I will not help. You are a failure.
I will not help, this may sound harsh, but i don't give a fuck. I have no sympathy
i don't give a fuck.

The fact that I can relate to a Pigs Bail song on a basis more than "partying" and having braces is beyond me, but this is exactly how I feel. Fuck this world, and fuck everyone that is apart of it. I have no sympathy for the weak, I don't give a fuck about anything and I really don't care if this makes me a bad person.

I'm sick of being nice all the time, and it not being reciprocated.

I'm sick of going to school every day, and my intelligence and my ability to answer questions under strict conditions will decide if I will be successful.

I'm sick of dead-shit losers, with no idea what's going on in the world around them and have no direction in life.

I'm sick of prejudices of all kinds.

I'm sick of people who think violence is the best way to solve problems.

People who think social hierarchy is the most important thing in the world. It doesn't make you cool to rip on the people who aren't as great as you, because they're usually the nicest people in the world.

Seriously, fuck you all.

I'm sick of everything.

Just shut the fuck up

Thoughts

Overjoyed, seriously.

This is what I live for:

I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore

Seriously, tell me how you feel. Tell me exactly what you want me to do. Make me a slave to your needs. I'm lost, I'm unsure of where I'm supposed to be heading. Is it wrong that I feel like this, or do you feel this too? I wish I had some form of clarity. I know you're different to the rest, and I wish the fact of that would push itself through my other thoughts.

To two people

1. You are the most amazing person, ever. There is no doubt in my mind. Everything about you makes me happy, and I'm so glad you're my friend.

2. You are truly wonderful. And, I can't wait to see you. (L)

Lost

Everything I thought I knew, I don't. I'm constantly second guessing myself, I can't make a decision. I'm sick of putting this mask on every day, to hide who I really am. This smile, it's not always real. I'm not happy.

I won't lie and say I'm a mess, I'm not. Things certainly make me happy, I just wish it could always be like this. When I see his smile, or when I see her every morning, I know my life is worth living. My smile is real.

I'll carry on, as long as it gets me where I need to be. But, know that I'm not happy about being "happy".

Together we cry

Why can't you see how much you mean to me?

Fuck you

I hate you, and everything you've done to me. I hate that I'm miserable and even though I tell myself I don't need you, I do. I miss you, and I wish you would just embrace me again.

You're the worst person I know, you have no morals, no ambition, yet there's something about you I find simply irresistible.

Fuck you for this unnecessary shit you've put me through, I now know letting myself feel this way was a mistake.

I need someone to whisk me off my feet so I can stop thinking about you. To take me out of this cold, dark place that you've left me in.

Fuck you, for everything, if I ever see you again, it won't be pleasant.

Awe

Sometimes I feel like I dont have a partner. Sometimes I feel like my only friend. Is the city I live in, the city of angels? Lonely as I am, together we cry. I drive on her streets cause shes my companion. I walk through her hills cause she knows who I am
She sees my good deeds and she kisses me windy. I never worry, now that is a lie. I don't ever want to feel like I did that day. Take me to the place I love, take me all the way. It's hard to believe that there's nobody out there. It's hard to believe that I'm all alone. At least I have her love, the city, she loves me. Lonely as I am, together we cry. I don't ever want to feel like I did that day. Take me to the place I love, take me all the way. Under the bridge downtown is where I drew some blood. Under the bridge downtown, I could not get enough. Under the bridge downtown, forgot about my love. Under the bridge downtown, I gave my life away.

I don't care what anyone says, Red Hot Chili Peppers are the most incredible band in the world. They are a band that I cannot compare to any other, and they can truly alter my mood. Along with Ruiner, The Streets and Say Anything, they are definitely my favourite.

Anthony Kiedis has lead an amazing life, and he is my hero.

Amaze

This song never ceases to amaze me. Actually, this album never ceases to amaze me.

Living like a stone in a river, all alone. Peaceful at the bottom while the rest fight not to drown. Sitting while the current of the stream passes me by. Forget about the fighting and the flow as I empty my mind. Living like a fossil, still from the torrent of time in a broken world. Still a stone at the end of the line. My trajectory is so true they float away and I don't move. Crooked head pulling at the end of a rope, waiting for a sign. Swimming through the flood, so afraid because there is so little time. Always running, always searching, always making it a race. So detached like a leaf, never fixed to life in one place. Getting lost in the shuffle makes you feel so small. Fight against the swell just to throw yourself at the wall. They're all dogs, fighting over the bone. I'm gonna live, I'm gonna leave it alone. Crooked head.

20 dollar bills sticking out of your nostril

Listening to Frenzal makes me miss my friends more than anything. They are such wonderful people. I have two more sleeps in Thailand, then one on the plane and then I'm home.

I made a decision the other day, and to me, it was a bit of a breakthrough. I think it's benefiting me.

Fear

Letting go of my love with a strangers breath against my skin. I left my heart 200 miles away. I never want it back. It all fell apart and the blood ran cold, through these dead veins. Standing by your side by your side without saying a word, I was breathless. Nothing left to believe in. Your worn face and hands tell the stories of solitude, endless Friday nights and fucking fear. Finally breaking our silence, only to find out the harsh reality that catches up on winter nights that came to soon, too fucking soon, I'm only 19 years old, but there's so much pain in here, fuck this pain. So look past my skin, look past these scars, look past the glimmer of hope in my eyes and touch my heart.
If I'm honest, it feels like your only haunting me.

Wonderful

You're a bad person, and you don't deserve the gift of life.

Shiver

The heart may freeze, or it can burn. The pain will ease, if I can learn. There is no future, there is no past, I'll live this moment as my last. There's only us, there's only this. Forget, regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way, no day but today.

Revelation

I just wrote a massive blog about you, and in the matter of seconds it was deleted.

Fuck you, you're dead to me.

We are diseased

I keep waking up horizontally across my super, kind sized bed. No blanket, shivering, muffled sniffles from my stupid, pointless cold. Feet stingy, blister ridden. Legs covered in bites, itchy as fuck. Just want to sleep some more, but don't know how. Back and neck sore from continuous cracking. And on top of all this, I can say I'm having an absolutely amazing time. I wish I could've seen a few bands that were playing at home while I'm over here, but I guess that's show business.

We never will be

Eye to eye, I'll keep my composure, hands shaking and these fists will be tightly clenched. I want it back, I’ll say for the first time, every ounce of fucking air you’ve never appreciated. If this is all that I am, a series of choice words, you’ll never hear this angelic voice again. I’m tired of talking in circles explaining what you don’t get; you’ve never lost, never loved, never ever fucking lived. You left me for dead once. How could I forget? Now I can see right through your hollow empty eyes, I will never again go unnoticed. Say this is jealousy that I’m feeling well then I’m fine with that. You have a certain characteristic that gives you the means to not feel a fucking thing for anyone that isn’t you. Now tell me you’re not fucking selfish. For every kind hearted word that I spoke to you, I beg I could take back every syllable you ripped from my mouth as I screamed for you to understand what it feels like to not be as important to someone as they are to you. Well I’ve been on both ends and my lesson was learned. So I tell the stories of collapsed lungs so maybe the fortunate could get a fighting chance to just cut and fucking run. Fuck saying the right things, I’m sick of being your crutch. I will never pick you up again. Don’t show me that face, you know the one that I’m talking about. You will never get under my skin again. Not another word. Not sorry for shit. I’m leaving you breathless, broken, alive.

A good friend is cheaper than therapy

8:32 pm, Hua Hin. I'm left to do homework, but instead, I blog. I've been thinking a lot today about influential people in my life. There's been many over the years, and I haven't always been given the chance to thank them, or tell them how much they've shaped the person I am. So I'll do it here, where no one reads, to get my thoughts out.

Person a.
I've known you for a really long time now, and you're the greatest person I've ever met. You are my best friend, and there's no debating that, and I will never, ever, ever let anyone take you away from me. Even when I'm mean to you, know that you're the person in the world I will always be there for.

I smoked a pack of cigarettes before mid-day.
I coughed up a lung around one.
I can't see a thing through my eyes that sting.
I can't remember having so much fun.

Person b.
You're such a strong person, and I respect you in the highest regard. All the time I've known you has been complete and utter bliss. You are always there if I need someone to talk, or if I just need someone to laugh with. Coming to your house is possibly the funnest thing ever, and something we all look forward to. You'll always be my favourite sailor scout.

Person c.
Ever since I met you, I've absolutely adored you, from Ballarat to Berwick times 1000. I love your sweaty hands, and I love all our amazing in jokes and crews. We have the best sleepovers known to man, and watching doglover is always a highlight. You're truly one in a million, and you're the only person I would ever sing any differing-lyrics-esque Beatles songs with. I can't wait for our Sk8er Boi dedication.

Person d.
I'm such a shit friend to you and I have no idea how you put up with me. But our weeknight hangs actually turn a terrible day into the best possible. You're always there for me, and I can be my complete self around you always. In our rough patches, I know you'll always be there for me, and now that you're in my life, I can't imagine it without you.

Person e.
You open my eyes to the world. Some days you make me cry, others you make me laugh, everything from you is unexpected. You're amazing.

Person f.
You're one of the most wonderful people on the planet, and I have no idea what I did to deserve someone like you. I am so happy you've stuck around for this long (3 year anniversary soon), and I actually don't know what I'd do without you.

Person g.
You're absolutely wonderful and irreplaceable. I can't wait to make a speech at your 18th, and I promise it'll be just as amazing as you want it to be. You are a true friend, and I will always love to touch your void.

Person h.
Basically, my life would suck without you.


My nice stage is over now, back to being a wanker.


Goodnight, peace.

I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight

I miss you.

You're truly amazing, and you will always be in my heart. I hope you're doing okay, wherever you are right now.

Rest in Peace.

Stranger things could never change my mind

I'm sitting in Hua Hin, with a massive smile on my face. I love that in a little over a week I'll be going to Chiang Mai, but for now I'm enjoying being right here.

I was standing at Immigration this morning, and bonded with these two middle aged French guys and a cute-aged middle Indian lady because we were laughing at these freaks who smelt absolutely disgusting and kept staring at me and thought I'd be chilled if they pushed directly in front of me in the line. It sucked.

I think too much!

Checkin' out this and that

I leave for Thailand tonight, and I honestly can't wait.